Do you believe in soulmates?

A: Do you believe in soulmates?

K: This question has weirdly been one of the most difficult to answer, but after much time thinking about it, I think I finally have my answer.

My short answer to this: No

But my long answer is this:

Let's first start by defining what a soulmate is.

From the Merriam-Webster Dictionary,

soul·​mate ˈsōl-ˌmāt 

: a close friend or romantic partner with whom one has a unique deep connection based on mutual understanding and acceptance.

So with that being said, think about your family, your friends, and your current and past romantic relationships. How many of those relationships have you had deep connections with? If you're like me, your answer would be more than one.

Pop culture loves the thought of soulmates and often portrays it as this person who is uniquely tied to you and only you. Pop culture also loves to influence, and if we can create a narrative to explain certain phenomena, we often embrace it.

Biologically speaking, human beings yearn for connection, for mutual understanding, for companionship. This is nothing new and should not shock us. Throughout our lives, we naturally meet more and more people, and as you'd expect, you make connections with them. These connections come to be friendships, professional relationships, and some romantic relationships.

In my personal opinion, for a romantic relationship between two people to thrive, you first need to be physically attracted to that person. Secondly, you need to have a deeper connection with that person which entails shared values, goals, interests, and futures. Attraction doesn't always precede connection which is an interesting aspect, and I'd like to highlight this as a complexity of the human relationship as it suggests a romantic bond is not always immediately apparent. Ultimately, what I'm getting at here is that a deeper emotional and intellectual connection between two people can be what truly sustains and enriches a relationship in the long run, and I believe that can be felt between more than one person in your lifetime. You have to be willing to open yourself up to being vulnerable and in doing so you might just find yourself being in love with someone whom you never thought you would be.

What is it then that sets apart any other thriving romantic relationship from a romantic relationship with presumed 'soulmates'? Nothing. The two relationships are the same. We put soulmates on a pedestal that resembles the deepest and most passionate relationship someone can have, and that's because it's believed to have some sort of otherworldly power or energy tied to the connection. I'm betting you believe in astrology and your zodiac signs too if you think that soulmates are real (Which is fine, by all means).

Let me give you another explanation as to why these deep-rooted relationships exist. As I mentioned, we as humans have this desire to find partners that share similar ideas and values as our own. As many of us do, we go on dates, we go out, we meet people, and we try to get to know who people are in hopes of furthering our connection. Sometimes it takes more than one relationship to find the right person to share a deep connection with. In not finding the right person right away, we go on more dates and get back to looking for someone we feel is even better suited to our vision of "perfect".

It's not "Have I found 'the one' person that I am supposed to be with?", It's "Have I found someone that I want to spend the rest of my life with? Does this person give me everything that I need to be happy and am I able to reciprocate that?" I believe that the latter has the potential to be found more than once in our lifetimes, it just depends on how hard you are willing to try.

Discovering a 'soulmate' isn't about locating that single individual destined for you, as it misleads us to believe there's only one person capable of bringing us happiness. This then potentially leads us to a life of misery and dissatisfaction revolving around who it is we end up with. Occasionally, constraints of time and space can lead us to panic, causing some to compromise if they haven't found their 'soulmate' by an unspecified point.

In conclusion, I believe it's important to recognize your value and fully understand what you genuinely deserve in your relationship. Those fortunate to have found their 'soulmate' have embarked on journeys of self-discovery and ultimately realize that the bond they share is exceptional and unparalleled when compared to any other prior relationship. This recognition involves actively deciding to embrace the connection you have with your partner and prioritizing it above others which often comes off as a type of love that only two of the most "perfect" people could ever have.

You also have to realize that the journey to finding the right partner is personal and very subjective. There is no external guide or timeline that tells us when it is we will find the person who resonates with us and instead is entirely up to us to navigate the complexities of love and dating and the modern world. Ultimately, the responsibility lies with you to discern when it is you have met the right person through your instincts and heart. Because only we can fully appreciate the nuances of our feelings and the depth of a connection felt with another human.

We get to choose when we've achieved that connection. It is never chosen for us.

So, what do you think? Is it a soulmate, or is it the human instinct to go out and find our most compatible match?